Biggest Bane In Relationships: Being Judgemental

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

A flower blooms when the inner and outer environment is friendly. Too much of what’s undesirable would affect its growth. Same goes with humans. I was recently coaching a participant at our Reboot workshop, who initially resisted opening up about his pain point. My work would have been unaccomplished if I hadn’t gone to the root of the problem. It happened eventually after an atmosphere of trust and non-judgement was created in our conversation.

It happens with everybody.

We open up only when we are amongst the right people. We unbolt the door to our inner fears, doubts, anxieties and misgivings, only when the environment is conducive for us.

So, what stops us from expressing our inner voice?


I refrained from opening up to people who would always judge me. These could be people in family, friends and personal network. I would always be conscious that I be viewed with the spectacles of judgement and my image would get sullied before people around to me. It made me an introvert.

The harsh truth is that our conditioning from day 1 is designed around how people view us. A toddler who is playing around, not ready to wear her clothes is often told by her parents and care givers, that if you don’t wear your clothes quickly, people and kids will shame you. The seeds of judgement are sown pretty early which sprout into weeds later and keep thorning our realities and expressions.

Judgement kills the intimacy of relationships. It stops us from being our true self as we speak and express in a way to please others. It is plaguing the entire society. So how do we elevate ourselves from it?

How Is A Judgement-Free Relationship

  • A relationship where one feels free to pour one’s heart out to the other person readily
  •  Its driven by trust that he/she would just listen and comfort the one who is speaking.
  •  It is free forming opinions about the one sharing his/her thoughts and fears.
  • It is NOT about what you think. It is about what the other person feels.  
  • It is about providing the space for one to be his/her true self.

How To Get There?

The road to a non- judgemental relationship is laden with love and respect. When you truly love someone, judgement fades away.

You might say parents love their kids but they are also judgemental most of the times. With due respect, their love is dominated by their fears. The fear of letting their kids go for something that might be against their best interest. Fear is a by-product of the societal conditioning that works on survival.

If you would like to venture into the territory of judgement free relationship, it starts with

Acceptance: Put your thinking on the backburner. Judgement-free relationships are built on the foundation of whole-hearted acceptance. No one is perfect. Forming a judgement about someone, means you are not ready to accept his/her version of the story. The one who is living a reality can best explain and experience. Accepting it the way it is, creates confidence in the person venting his thoughts.

respect, relationship, judgement, empathy, trust
Photo by Courtney Cook on Unsplash

Empathy: Why are true friendships so dear? As one confides and shares effortlessly what is in one’s heart. The best friend knows how to hear you out. No matter what happens in your life, the dear friend is always there to put an arm around you. Empathising is the way forward to creating a judgement free relationship.

Respect: Whether you agree or not, give respect to the person expressing his thoughts. Our perception about being judged and viewed with lesser respect, is what stops us in the tracks while expressing ourselves.  

Trust: It is the biggest component of a healthy, non-judgemental relationship. You cannot open up before someone you can’t trust. Trust is the foundation which inspires confidence and helps people share their deepest thoughts and feelings.

Why Is It Important To Be Judgement Free

It matters a great deal for people you love. People who are closest to you deserve the best of you. They do not need a judgemental you. That doesn’t mean that you are not entitled to your opinions but keep it to yourself unless specifically asked.

Jumping the gun with what you think and giving your opinion, every time someone wants to open up discourages free conversations.

It is all the more needed in today’s environment when people are most ridden with stress. They do not find the right outlet for their feelings and thoughts as most people around them are wearing the glasses of judgement. This often leads to mental and emotional health, taking a beating.

Judgement is an antidote to love. The more we accept people the way they are, the better, smoother, sweeter and worthier our relationships would be. Think about it.